D.I.Y Jackanory

Bernie had been with the show for a few weeks, travelling through the stark yet beautiful landscape of the pacific North-West of America. At the insistence of Mr O'Toyleg a letter was sent home saying the Bernie was okay and there was no need to get the police and that Bernie would be home after the summer season, (but of course there was no forwarding address, nor any mention of what circus Bernie had joined. Bernie had almost settled into the role of mummy clown, but the part was less than demanding, consisting mainly of being drenched with buckets of water, hit with rubber truncheons and getting run over by the clown-mobile.

Sometimes Bernie would almost cry at night, upset at not getting to be a real clown, but through the tears, Bernie just became more determined to show Bobo and the others that becoming a proper clown was all that mattered, despite Bobo's persistent comments about Bernie being a sissy and other not very nice jibes. Bernie had become friends with Alfie, the wolf-cub boy and his parents Harvey (the hairy wolf man and Monica the monkey woman).

Bernie and Alfie knocked around getting into all sorts of juvenile scrapes and pranks, often incurring the wrath of Mr. Chipperdick, who more than once threatened to feed them to the lions. Mr. Chipperdick seemed to be a creature of the night, rarely, if ever seen during the day. Alfie said this was because he was always so drunk that he had to sleep it off. Bernie had noticed that a lot of the people with the circus and the sideshows had very odd nocturnal habits, but decided that since so many of them were so unconventionally beautiful, going out during the day, save to appear in the shows probably wasn't a safe option, 'We usually scare people's children!' as Mr. O'Toyleg had said on numerous occasions. The police were also frequent visitors to the circus, not as paying patrons, but in search of various missing persons.

'Every time somebody goes for a walk or runs away and we've been in town, the law is always hot on our tails, they don't like folks like us, folks that don't fit in nowhere, go from town to town, we ain't no 9 to 5 people, but we ain't the monsters they think we are, we'll at least not as bad anyway.' Mr. O'Toyleg would repeat these sentiments like a mantra, and it sometimes appeared to Bernie that he was trying to convince himself of it. Nevertheless in Bernie’s case the runaway thing was true and Bernie was always secreted away until the forces of law and order were safely out of the picture.

It was a bright sunny morning and the there was hardly a cloud in the sky as the Chipperdick Circus and Freak-show rumbled into the sleepy streets of Tree Falls, ready for another weekend of bringing a bit of fun and an element of the bizarre into the probably dull lives of the loggers who lived in this back-of-beyond town (and of course empty their wallets of some of their hard earned cash!) All in all this promised to be a memorable visit, as no circus had been to the town for years, something was in the air.

The first night of the show had gone well, Bernie thought, with all the townsfolk appearing to lap up all the high jinks. The elephant review, the lion and tiger taming and all the other mad animals like the dancing bears and chimps, the acrobats (The Flying Trampolinie Family, the only midget acrobats in the world, according to the poster) and of course the clowns, with all their zany antics, and for once Bernie didn't feel to bad about it although the taunts about looking too girlie were beginning to become tiresome. The sideshows also did a roaring trade, scaring and amusing in the same breath. All was going so well, that Bernie began to think that this circus could well be the only place to be. Then the night began in earnest and in that darkness events transpired that meant that things would never be the same again for Bernie, for the circus and for the people of Tree Falls.

Bill sat on a stool and ordered a beer, as he drank he scanned the familiar surroundings of the Logger's Shack bar and grill. It was like the town; a bleak affair, dimly lit with the barest of fittings. Spartanly decorated save for a few moose and bear heads and numerous pictures of loggers astride gigantic felled trees. Sam, the man mountain of an owner, grizzly as the grizzliest of bears, save for his shiny bald head that shone out from a face otherwise covered with a thick beard. He wore a checked shirt like almost everyone else in town.

'What's up Bill, you ain't your usual self today?'
Aw, nothin' really. Me and Jack had a few words, that's all, like ah say, nothin' to worry about, it's done now.'
You and jack was arguing? That's not like either of you, jeez, you two's like molasses in a jar. What brought that on?'
'The circus’ comin' to town.' Bill answered wearily, Sam's face bore a look of thoughtfulness, then of recognition.
'The circus! God, that's right, didn't his Paw have some kinda trouble there one time, I was outta town, loggin' up in Canada round that time, never did hear what really happened.'

Bill, paused before answering, then began, 'I suppose Jack wouldn't mind me tellin' you what most of the rest of the town knows already. You remember years back, circus used to come here right regular and everybody looked forward to it cause it came right along at the same time as the end of the logging season. Well me an' Jack used to love it all, really lap it up, all the fun, the freaks, the girls, well when we was 'bout, ah dunno, late teens, maybe 16 or so, the circus comes and we all went down. Jack's paw, big Jack he came too, left his momma at home, cause she had a cold. Well all was goin' well until, Big Jack says he's goin' for a look in one of the burlesque freak stalls, but we couldn't get in so we go off somewhere else, and when we go back, we see that his paw ain't there, and some goon says he went of with some lady. Jack got real mad and started tearin' about tryin' to find him, sayin' he's gonna git him for cheatin' on his dear old momma.

But thing was they never did find him, not least alive at any rate, all they found was just, God , man bits an' pieces, like a slaughtered hog or somethin'. The police, the national guard, all them folks even the Feds, you know the FBI, was there, them boys took what was left of Jack's paw away to the city came back and said he'd spontaneously human combusted, you know, exploded, blew up, they say it can happen, but nobody believed it, not least Jack or his momma. His Momma thought it was somebody else, and that he'd ran away with a gypsy. And Jack he had a plum crazy notion that some kinda weird beast from the circus killed him!'
What like a mountain lion or somethin?'

'

Hell no, he reckoned it was like Bigfoot or somethin' crazy like that, cos they never could trace the broad he was with. The whole thing destroyed their lives. His momma when real crazy cuckoo and ended up killin' herself in the state asylum. And jack he was just as bad, he went wild in the city then volunteered for the Marines and got sent to Vietnam, and came back crazy after what he'd did and seen. Took to the hills and as you know he's been there ever since, sometime I think he's up there because he thinks one day the thing that he thinks got his Father is gonna come back and he will be ready.'

'Sounds all kinda sad and mad to me, Bill, Jack always seems so normal, quiet, but you know, decent , okay.'
Yeah, he is, but he just don’t like no circus' comin' to town no more.

Jack loaded the freshly sawed logs onto the back of his battered Dodge pick-up truck and drove down the winding, wooded mountain road into town for his monthly excursion into civilization. Wood Falls was a small logging town with a population of a few thousand, almost all of them involved in some way or another with the timber trade. Jack's plan was to drop off the wood with his friend Bill Shubagg at the saw-mill he owned, then get some provisions, then get back to the solitude of the hills that he loved. As he reached the outskirts of town, there seemed to be a buzz of activity in the air, and a strange unfamiliar liveliness about the sleepy hamlet that intrigued him, but the source of which he couldn't quite put his finger on. Pulling up outside the mill, he saw the smiling face of his old school buddy Bill waiting to greet him.
'Hey Jack, same time same place, you can set your watch by you man!'

'I like to be punctual, you know me, say Bill the natives seem kinda restless today, what happened, somebody win the state lottery or somethin'?'
'Nothin' that thrilling, just some tinpot circus is comin' to town and all the kids has got all their maws an' paws all worked up right to high dough about it.'
An odd look of apprehension and barely tangible terror fleetingly revealed itself on Jack's face. 'Right, so that's what all the fuss is about.'
Bill replied, without registering Jack's tortured expression. 'Well Jack you know this place, preety dull, yes siree, maybe 'circus'll liven them up a bit, you gonna go along, get away from them trees of yours for an evening?'
A weary look crossed Jack's face, 'No Bill, you know that me and the circus don't mix no more.'

'Jeez Jack, I forgot man, but that must have been nearly 20 years ago, surely you...' Jack cut his friend off abruptly, uncharacteristically for such a humble and pleasant man. '15 years Bill and I ain't forgotten it, that's why I had to go away, that's how I ended up overseas and because of that I can't live amongst folks no more, so I ain't going near no circus, no sir!'
Bill felt bad about forgetting about Jack's dislike of the circus, and changed the subject, but he knew the damage had been done.

'Them is sure fine looking logs you brought me this time, is there any trees left up there?' They both laughed, but laughed a forced, almost false kind of laugh, both trying to tell they other that they held no malice over the conversation that had passed.
'Say Jack, want to go to the Loggers Shack for a beer and a game of Pool or, say you know they got one of them limey Dartboards in there now, wanna try that out.'

'Sorry Bill, I think there might be a storm coming and I want to get back up home and tie everything down just incase it's a bad one, maybe next time.'
'Okay, don't leave it so long will, ya, it's been a while since we've had a good few beers.'
Yeah, it has.'
With that Jack walked off to get his provisions and a few minutes later drove off to his mountain sanctuary. Bill made his way to the bar for a game of darts

Bernie looked up and gave a double take, for the face looking down belonged to a beardy man, but with a woman's body, then it became apparent, the bearded lady. Stood beside her was the man called Hank that the hairy woman had addressed her remarks to, he looked fairly ordinary until Bernie caught sight of his hands, if you could call them that, for instead of the regulation eight fingers and two thumbs arrangement, Hank had something closer to crab's pincers or something akin to that. Then Bernie remembered that the carnival people travelled with the circus and these two must be part of some kind of side-show, Bernie recalled a school friend Tommy Knockerbottominsky talking about the 'Lobster-man', this thought Bernie must be the very fellow.

'What you doin' in there kid?' asked the hirsute woman.
'I want to join the circus and get away from my folks, I want to be a clown and make all the little children laugh when I pretend to throw water over them, but really it'll be tinsel, I've always wanted to be a clown.'
You are in the right place for it, but I think that we'd better send you back kid, what do you think Pammy-Jo-Sue-Annelene?'
'I think that it'd do now harm for the kid to knock around for day or two, looks like a spunky one to me and maybe could fit in well with this kinda life.'

The bearded woman, Pammy-Jo-Sue-Annelene Stipovitz Cleandoor McEarfarm Drydyke Piewornwurst O' Toyleg, or simply Old Beardy to her friends, was a kindly soul with a few teeth but a lot of heart and even more ex-husbands, all deceased and carnival/circus men. She was born in a circus and love the life on the road. Old Beardy's current husband Hank O'Toyleg, the oddly handed fellow, the offspring of victims of an atomic accident, which left him with his crustacean hand design and condemned him to a life of ridicule in normal society and forced him to a life as a curiosity object and a laughing stock , but at least this way, they could laugh at him, but only after they'd paid their fee. Hank liked it that way.

So it seemed for now Bernie was safe at the circus, the O'Toyleg's offered a corner of their trailer and said they would put in a good word with the owner and ringmaster cum lion-tamer Ivor Chipperdick and with Bozo the head clown to see if there was room in under the big top for another lost soul. Chipperdick was a big strong red-faced gentleman, who liked to drink strong liquor and talk with ladies of the night when he wasn't sticking his head into the gaping jaws of wild animals. It just so happened that when Hank and Beardy took Bernie to see him he was onto his second quart of whisky and ready to head downtown to some honky-tonk bar to talk with the pretty painted ladies, that his dear old momma had once warned him about but that he had ignored.

'Hell yeah the kid can stay, as longs as money gets made and the kid ain't livin' off us I don't give a darn about it!' And off he went into the night. Bozo the Clown, was a slightly tougher prospect, a clown's clown from the old school, didn't approve of young whipper-snappers coming in and getting to be clowns without going through all the apprenticeships necessary, but what could he do, Chipperdick paid the wages and Bozo didn't have anywhere else to go given his circumstances, however he did have the run of the clown act so he made Bernie grannie clown, the lowest and most pointless clown role on the show, but Bernie didn't care, it was a start on a ladder that would hopefully lead right to the top of Clowndom.

The circus had reached its climax and everyone, (save for a few servicemen who had fallen into drunken comas) filed outside for a cigarette and to discuss the performance's highs and lows.

Bernie slithered off in the direction of the living quarters of the circus folk.
Dressed in jeans, a checked shirt and wearing a baseball cap, Bernie was the picture of the typical mid-Western youth, a true child of the time, and anonymous enough to be invisible to the other hired hands who with a few exceptions, were all dressed the same way.
As they nomadic community pulled together in the task of dismantling the giant tent, pulling out the spikes, getting the big poles down and gathering up the canvas with its two entry flaps, squaring it all away for the next time it would be erected.

Bernie didn't want to join in with this exercise and opted to hide in a large wicker laundry basket, which was eventually loaded onto a truck.

'Gee this is heavy!' said a disembodied voice as the basket was hoisted into the trailer for a long journey into the unknown. This had been the plan all along, to get as far away from home as possible, so as they couldn't send you back right off.

Bernie never heard the basket being unloading, as the excitement of the previous night had induced a great deep, dreamless sleep. Bernie awoke, with a start to see two puzzled faces looking downward.

'Looks like we got ourselves a stowaway, Hank!'